Looks can be deceiving. From the outside looking in, I hear it quite often: “You’re intimidating.” “How do you do it? How do you have your shit so together?” Even most recently, a few times, I’ve heard, “you inspire me.”
If the message was delivered via email, Instagram direct message or text form I still look around and behind me. I Blank Stare at my phone or computer. I check the calendar. Is it April 1st?
This is Angela. Do you know who you messaged?
I won’t lie, I am totally uncomfortable every time I hear this. Like, my armpits sweat and I sort of spit while I speak. Mainly because I don’t think people would feel that way if they saw me, in bed, at 7:30pm, on a Saturday night, sharing a little snackum of Honey Nut Cheerios with my dog. Yeah, this is 34. With crumbs on my chest. Reading a book or watching a Lifetime Movie or Lockup. There is no in-between. I also am out running 96 miles on a Sunday morning by 7am. Priorities.
And it all goes back to the same topic, “You have your shit together, how did you get there?” So, at this point, I’d like to take a moment to be completely vulnerable (Oh God, vulnerability, where are my natural anxiety meds and a brown paper bag?!), I DO NOT HAVE MY SHIT TOGETHER. I repeat, I do not have my shit together. Not even close.
While on yet another gorgeous hike yesterday, with a new friend, the topic came up once again. (Yes, I started sweating profusely.) My new friend made a very good point. He said, “maybe people think you have your shit together because you admit that you DON’T have it together at all. And that IS having your shit together.”
Literally, bro, who sent you?! And how dare you say something profound.
So, I am here to say this. He’s right. I will never admit to having it all together because I don’t. Right now, in this very moment, like in all of my past moments, I am learning as I move through this life and that’s okay. I am trying my best and that’s all I can do. Literally, just try my best every day. I also have Mercury in the 3rd House; around 32, I realized that learning, even about myself, is something I truly crave.
Just like anyone else, I’ve had shitty jobs. I’ve had shitty friends (even if we aren’t friends any longer, I still wish you the best, because I know that karma is too real, so I hope you’re doing cool). I’ve made a shit ton of mistakes in my life. I’ve single handedly self sabotaged great things in my life because of my own insecurities and inner shit that I didn’t face (I probably should have studied my natal chart a long time ago). I thought I knew it all and left college, my parents almost killed me (sorry!) , I went back (you’re welcome!), on my own terms, when the time was right (only to want to do something completely different with life!). I’ve had family problems, I don’t have a relationship with my parents, I’ve spent more money on copayments at my therapist (Oh God, she admits she has a therapist?!) than overpriced Louis Vuitton bags or Louboutins that sit in my closets, I’ve had great love, I lost great love, I’ve been married, I learned everything I know about relationships from that beautiful experience. I’ve learned boundaries, I implement boundaries, and that’s how you know who respects you. If someone doesn’t respect me, I still respect them, however, I also respectfully show them the door. I am not scared to do that anymore. I learned that I am more scared of losing myself trying to people please.
So, I guess having my shit together REALLY means that I learned from my mistakes and I rerouted my path, to avoid making the same mistakes twice. And even if I made a mistake for a really long time, didn’t mean I had to keep making it, if it wasn’t fulfilling me. Job, relationships, friends, that fourth cupcake. And that, my friends, is what growth is all about.
But if the cupcake is Carrot, I am going for a 5th, and starting a juice cleanse in the morning. Because 34.